Breaking up is tough and nothing can keep you from a happier future than a lingering relationship wound. Long after I let go of the man, feelings about the break up held me back. I felt stuck, lost and didn’t know how to make things happen. It’s not easy, that’s for sure. But there are certainly things you can do to help.
Acknowledge, accept and let go of your feelings.
Many people don’t realize that a large majority of the pain they experience during a break-up has nothing to do with the relationship they really had but the thought they could have had if things had just been different. When the relationship first started there were expectations set for what it could be based on the good things that seemed to be unfolding at the time. Almost all relationships are great in the beginning—otherwise they would have never started—but the whole of a relationship is what it was from beginning to end. Because our mind is trying to heal our heart, the painful memories often get shifted to the background and we find ourselves remembering and longing for the good times. A good way to get a better see what happened is to write down every painful things that happened throughout the relationship – every vivid memories- then read them. The purpose of this is not to make you angry but to help you realize the the full truth to why the relationship ended.
Many of us don’t have the patience to deal with our emotions, so we suppress them instead. As a result, we react inappropriately because our emotions are pulling us in a different direction from where we really want or need to go. Give yourself permission to feel the pain and hurt, but set a time limit. Cry in the beginning but don’t drown in your sorrows.
Realize that he is not the one for you.
When you’re into someone, you neglect their little flaws and imperfections, which is perfectly normal. However, there are some things which need to be kept in mind if you want to find the man who will want you for an eternity or someone who will complete you. During the early stage of the relationship we tend to think that we’ve found the one and that you’d do everything to make this relationship work but as time goes by you notice that something seems to be off. One day, he gives you all the attention and then he pulls away. One minute he is there and the next he is nowhere. You spend your days waiting for him to text back, to find the time, and you are worried, upset and sad. You don’t know where you stand with him and it’s driving you crazy.
You can’t always be at your best. You are going to have bad days and that’s inevitable. If you notice that he only wants to be around when everything is going well and you are smiling but he’s nowhere to be found when you’re in crisis. It only means that he is not the one for you.
Reduce contact with him.
This is probably the hardest thing to do. You’ll always want to talk to your ex and maybe at some point even thought of begging him to come back to you. But you have to understand that you need to cut off communications – at least for a while. Avoid frequenting the same places, and keep any interactions brief. This also includes stalking his social media accounts. It might be difficult when you share a lot of friends, but putting that distance between him is one of the best ways to help yourself move on. This is because your wounds are still very fresh and they need some time to heal.
Talk to your close friends.
Call your bestfriend and let it all out. Scream, rage, cry, and talk until there is nothing left to say. You don’t have to go through this alone.
I remember when I broke up with my boyfriend of 7 years, it took me awhile to move on. It was because I refused to talk to anyone and believed that no one understood me. The break up had a steel grip around my heart, my mind was clouded with fatigue and I felt helpless. One day, I’ve decided to call my bestfriend and when I finally opened up to him its when things became less heavy. Be sure to choose a best listening friend who is willing to sit down and listen without needing to add their two-cents worth, unless you wish it. I’ve also shared my heartbreak to a few friends from work. Their overwhelming patience made me very grateful for who they are and it surely strengthen our friendships.
At the end of a relationship, you may feel as though it’s hard to move on. You may think about him constantly, what he’s doing or who is he with… Or if he’s move on or finally found a new girlfriend. If you feel like you’re unable to move forward or that you’ve lost control, get unstuck and seek professional help who can offer an objective view into the problem. Passivity is a terrible enemy. If you aren’t running your life, life can run you over. Remember, you don’t have to go through this alone.
You need something that will take your attention away from what you’re not supposed to be doing. And if you’re anything like me, you overanalyze the entire situation, going back and forth in your head about every little thing that happened. Which isn’t going to do you well.
After you’ve sufficiently grieved over your loss, you are going to find yourself with a lot more free time and a lot more time to think. And we don’t want to go back to Step 1. Find some activites that you’ve been wanting to do or places that you’ve always wanted to visit, or create and tick off items from your bucketlist. It is important to push yourself and get out of your comfort zone after a breakup. Start with something small that challenges you and grow it from there. Don’t take any huge leaps but instead take your time. These will not only allow you to physically blow off some steam, but by accomplishing something you’ll do a great deal toward regaining and rebuilding your confidence.
As what Mitch Albom said “Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that by hating someone we hurt them. But hatred is a curved blade and the harm we do to others we also do to ourselves.“
Carrying all these negative emotions is exhausting and draining. It can distract you from the things your mind should be and needs to be focused. It can cause you to be impulsive and it can reduce your ability to think clearly. Don’t let him take up space in your head but instead concentrate on unloading your baggage.
Recognize that there’s someone for you.
You might think that you’ll never find someone that’ll love you for you like your ex did, but that’s not true. Someone new will come along, and I know you have heard this a million times, but they will show you why it never worked with anyone else.
I know plenty of us are tempted to rush in another relationship after a break up ecause all of the best feelings arise when you first get involved with someone, and it’s hard to resist jumping in full throttle. Imagine running a 21km course just a week after you suffered from a fractured ankle. You most likely will have a difficult time performing and it’ll be far more impossible for you to finish the race. It may be quite some time before you can get back to running or else you’ll only add damage to it. Same with relationships, allow yourself to heal because rushing in will only result to even more damage, not just to you but to the person you’re wanting to be with.
Do not look back.
You might feel the urge to reach out to your ex and tell them that you miss them but remember running back to someone who was removed from your life never does anyone any good; it just makes things worse. Don’t let those moments of you missing them get to you. Use that time to work on yourself and grow as an individual.
The truth about moving on is that it’s not about loving someone new instead loving the new you. It’s about taking your life back and tackling it with a new approach. Go find a new hobby, learn a new skill, hang out with your friends, meet new people and travel to places that you haven’t been to. Don’t just sit there and mope. Get moving, literally. You are stronger than you think, and you are not alone.